Unfair Tax ... part 2 of 4

Part 2 of 4

...marching along2 Mootown (not Georgia) we hears a pig say...

--Where is u going with such determination? There b-hind a fence we notice pig with white round eyes. Think he relieving himself :)

Where u going with such determination ?

--U says, we going 2 market like the rhyme says...this little piggy went 2 market, blah blah blah!...we gonna protest bout the 10% tax we as 2 pay, coz he says so (friends trotters points 2 Moony).

--Yeah come & join uz, i grunts, the more, the merrier! So pig with white round eyes skips over 2 join em...erm...thats us(did i tell u pig had skipping rope? No ? well does) & off they trot...err march...err skip.

Further down the lane...meets a Chunky pig says his names Chunky by quirk of nature ??? Sooo Moony gives friend a piece of card with some writing on2 pass on 2 Chunky. He cor read but agrees 2 carry it 4 a bag of carrots. Further on down & round the corner, pig

named Squinty agrees 2 carry a pla-kard if we give him a small chunk of forage beet. Lots of goats & cows & sheep stare as pigs & sheep go past. Spike, another pig agrees 2 hold the pitchfork 4 a bag of radishes.

Along way we pass Buttercup...cow who works in me sweat--. ..erm....factory. She has need 2 sell her xtra milk so as she can buy clover & rapeseed 2 eat. Apparently her job dow pay much. After a little persuasion she joins rest of us (promised her a rise at work).

Whats in it for me...moo's Buttercup

Making way 2 the square, Moonpig gets out soap box from pocket & jumps on2 it...Daz is written on it :)... & shouts 2 passing by animals...

--Come 1 & all, u goats, cows & sheep come closer & heed the call, 2day we gonna kick butts of the tax collector. Yes me friends, he az had iz day, (am getting 2 grips with Earth spelling of words :) )wot u say?

Lots of animals speak up at same time corzing a din! Seems they dow like paying taxes either.

--i says 2 friend, say something intelligent to really get em on our side!

--When we catch him, the tax collector, we'll...we'll...stuff him with hay! sir-jests me pinky friend, getting in2 the spirit....well had 2squeeze in2 bottle of whiskey.???..but was definitely in the spirit hiccupping like mad & rolling eyes.

--Yeah & it woe b a pretty site the scene will not b gay, says me...picking up whiskey bottle & shaking me friend out of it....2 b cont

Unfair Tax ... part 1 of 4

Part 1 of 4

This 10% tax on everything I sell at the market in Mootown Village is very unfair & overbearing, infakt iz cripplin'

Its a disgrace...thats wot eet  iz

me...Moonpig oinked as he limped around farmhouse :) . Am sure lots of others think like me. Wot we need 2 do is 2 unite az 1 & oppoze the 10% tax!
--Wots that u say Moony ? says pinky friend sticking head thru farmhouse door.
Well had meant 2 get door fixed,but cudnt rise 2 occasion.
--Oh hi friend, was just saying bout this tax on everything we sells at market iz a harsh rule wudnt u say ? Waits 4 reply.....
--Yeah but we have 2 pay it. Wot else can we do ?...friend shrugs shoulders and sits on kitchen chair next 2 Moonpig.
--Democracy iz the way 2 go, a vote iz a vote dont u know, u'll c. No more am i inclined 2 pay the 10% tax! Wot u say piggy friend ?

Wot u think pinky friend?

--Erm, Its a good idea but think we needs more help Moony, more pigs 2 join in.
--Yeah, u only 1 little pig...hmm...will not make much of a protest heh! Hmm, must get ALL the animals on MFF (Myfreefarm...put it in browser & play along am on server 1 USA), 2 march & protest bout this tax. Come on friend, u gonna help me?
B 4 friend cud answer, i grabs friend by the trotters & armed with banners & things gives em 2 friend 2 carry while Moony does the harder job of...grunting, squealing & oinking out with loud voice recruiting as many as cud while marching...sort of as still had limp...in2 Mootown.
On the way cud c 2 sheep meandering along. Was Shirley & Shaun...who work in me factory...(or sweat shop wud b another word).
--Where r ewe going with such firmness of purpose ?...baa-rd the sheep.
--Hi Shirley, hi Shaun :) we ham (pig word)going 2 Mootown,iz u 2 going 2 Mootown then ?
--Yes, baa-rd em both. We need 2 buy forage beet & herbs, so we have 2 sell this wool we have in basket. Combed it out fresh from our fleeces this morning c....baaa.

We combed our fleeces this morning

--Bet ewe(hehe sheep word)wish u hadnt got2 pay the 10% tax on that wool ? Ewe cud buy more clover & forage beet. Y dont ewe come with us & protest in the market square....there will b lots there!!!
--Baaaa...we cud always do with spare cash. We'll join ewe.

--K...friend, give sheep a plak-ard 2 carry...it will make ur load lighter, i can c's u struggling & i cant bear it....Soooo.....2 b cont.

Salespig ... part 4 of 4

Part 4 of 4

Hero scrapes trotters deep in bottom...of his big green bag with orange handles...digs deeper & deeper & deeper & deeper!...& comes up

Wot's this, wot's this ?

with...a container pot...black in color...with pink white & black writing on.

--Let me c,Let me c ,grunts i getting all x-cited.On pot says 'The Pink Stuff', the miracle paste cleaner!

--It will clean saucepans & stoves, tiles & uPVC, garden furniture & baths (hmmm trying 2bfunny),caravans & sinks, skirting boards & copper, rust & paintwork, brass & boats...now that really grabs me attention.

--OUCH!

--Didnt touch u, didnt touch u.

--I smiles at Hero :) like that. How much is it,The Pink Stuff ?

Me friends fell asleep !!

--W-e-l-l...he gets his kal-ku-l8r out...its a BIG 1 & does a few Kal-Ku-Lay-shuns tossing it around a bit...c...am getting better at Earth Words :)....Hero shows me his...Kal-Ku-Lay-shun, at 1st am snout smacked, but think it worth it. Hero smiles & leaves with a fat wallet in his pocket. In the farmhouse i c's pinky friend...sleeping. Just give me friend a nudge as am all loaded up.

--Wot u gone & bought Moony ?

The Pink Stuff, almost as 'handy' as big green bag with orange handles !

-- Bought the LOT didnt i, never know when things will come in...trot-ery...&...i had the BIG GREEN BAG, with the orange handles which is wot i REALLY needed thrown in 4 3 :)

Salespig ... part 3 of 4

Part 3 of 4

Big salespig grabs Moonpigs attention ( wonder if it hurt & where he keeps it ? :) ) Salespig launches into his sales pitch ( wonder where that is & if it hurt him ? :) ) Anyroads, he continues...& i have, notepads & biros,...he says they all work & he starts to scribble my name...Moonpig...& his name...Hero...See i have 4 colors what they write in, red, blue, black & green :)

--Wot! not purple i inquire ?

--No! but if you write with the blue one & the red one together it will make erm, purple. Also i have candles & matches incase of power cuts.

--Any sented 1's ? :)

--No sorry, but i have 'purfume' you could erm...sprinkle a drop or two on them, sure u get same results.

Sure u'd get same results

--Erm...err...will think 'bout that.

Hero (the name of salespig...we found that out when he wrote his name in notepad) searches his big green bag with orange handles & continues his sales pitch.

--I have drawing pins & paperclips to keep things tidy. All useful stuff says he.

--Yes, yes am sure it is..i sighs..Hhhhhhhhh (noise of sigh).

Friend appears,-- I've ate all the cookies & drunk all the T.

Yum yum, cakes!

--Well...err...erm...theres cake in the tin i keep in the pantry,help ur self...wont b long now.

--K says me friend, & i'll make a fresh pot of T.

--I can c ur not impressed, lets c wot else i have in my bag....i know its here...somewhere......2 b cont.

Salespig ... part 2 of 4

Part 2 of 4 

--Sooooo wot else u got?

--Well...he rummages in green bag with orange handles (rummage rummage...like that :) ) I have these nice plastic pegs to hang out your erm...erm...

--Cushions! I says :) supplying the word.

--Yes, & when you wash your cushions & ... curtains,( he av 2 b careful here as pigs dont have bed sheets, they not allowed....says so in Animal Farm book :) ) & erm other things these pegs is what you need to hang them on the line!

Assorted colored pegs etcetera!

--Havent got a line :(

--It just so happens i have here in this bag....ta da!(pulls ropes outta bag) These! Washing lines in all colors. He shows me 'bout dozen.

--Hmm says i they'll come in 'trot-ery' (not handy as pigs dont have hands c ).

--I have microfibre wash cloths, but just in three colors, will clean & shine all sorts of surfaces...WITHOUT smearing three cloths in a handy pack measuring 30 x 30cm.

Tea & cookies...Yum!

--Pinky friend comes out of farmhouse & oinks 2 me, Are you done yet ?

--Erm...er...er... there's sum cookies in the tin on the shelf, help urself...wont b long now.

--K says me friend, I'll make a fresh pot of T 2 :)......2 b cont.

Salespig ... part 1 of 4

Part 1 of 4

Hate b-ing disturbed wen iz eating

 1 sunny day when Moonpig was eating his swill 4 brekkie...a ring came at the door...ring ring (noise of erm door bell).Hmm wonder who that is? Me friend aint due 4 another 1/2 hour...better go & look. Was biggish fat pig at door...Yup, wot u want ?
---Hi, i am your local representative selling for help Hero & i has lots of time saving devices in me bag (points 2 bag)...He had a BIG green bag with orange

Think we b-ing spied on !

handles. Then he pointed at his injured knee (do pigs have knees ? )Got this injury in the Piggin War, says he.

--Wot u got in ur bag then ? (kicks bag with trotters) thunk! (noise of bag b-ing kicked). He frowns!

--I have ironing-board covers in all colors, 3 scissors in a pack all different sizes & batteries of all shapes & sizes all useful can i interest you in anything ?...Just then u come along.

--Hello Moony, says you, what you doing ?

Along came me pinky friend

--Am looking at these useful things he az in bag 4 sale (nods 2wards hero pig & his green bag with orange handles), but go straight in me farmhouse, i'll b in in a min.Theres T in the pot.

--K am piggin' thirsty on such a hot day......2 b cont.

The Greedy Buzzard ... part 4 of 4

Part 4 of 4

...Buzzard stuck his beak up in the air & screeched "NO!!!"

Stuck beak up and screeched NO !

!But it was a gen-u-ine mistake, me friend got the price wrong," pleaded Moony.(it might work)
"Well its ur mistake i'll find a good home for it." & with that , Buzzard brushed Moonpig aside with his strong wing.(it didnt work)
Moonpig pleaded & pleaded (keep hassling and talking round hat so i picked it up & ate it)    Buzzard screeched, "look mate, i'll do u a favour, if u need anything ask it!"
"K...can i have me sunflower oil back then?" (spits out remnant of straw hat).
"I'll have to think about it," screeched Buzzard, giving me the evil eye (so i put it in me pocket 4 L8r).
"Come back tomorow, i'll let u know then & only then"...Slam !(noise of Buzzards door er...slamming shut).

Thru the keyhole...who lives in a place like this!

"U wont sleep ee-zee 2night." i shouted thru the keyhole & orf i went home.
Next day i busied meself on the farm, hoeing here, watering there, milking the goats, spinning the wool in2 balls...puff pant....hard work said i 2 meself mopping up the sweat with me tissues in trotters wiping me face & anything else that needed wiping! About the middle of the morning, found 350 bottles of sunflower oil left on me doorstep. 
"Hmmm, i put 'em back on me shelf "& went 2 find Buzzard.
"Hi Buzzard, thx 4 returning the oil, but think am 90 bottles short."
"Think yourself lucky little green piggie, i sold some to the fish & chip shop in the village & rubbed myself in the rest."
"Yeah, i can c ur shiny feathers," & with that i pulled out a feather.
"Screech!" screeched Buzzard, "be off with yer before  i make sausages out of yer!

B orf with U screeched Buzzard

"Oh yeah! u & whos army" i shouted az i ran az fast az i cud away from Buzzards erm...place.

Will b more careful next time if i take stuff 2 market...i'll buy a few black indelible marker pens & pencil the price on each item...???...END.

The Greedy Buzzard ... part 3 of 4

Part 3 of 4

Little Later Moonpig came back..."Sorry been so long i was chatting 2"...Moonpig stopped abruptly as noticed that the market stall was M.T. (empty). "Cor, u sold the lot !"

"Yes said friend smirking & very pleased with oneself. Bestest friend handed over the money & Moony laffinly oinked , "Wheres the rest, dont joke."

Here's ur money Moony

"Erm..er..er.. that's all there is Moony, i sold it for er...100pd each bottle like you said...& gave big cheesy grin :) (like that).

"Oh no! it was 440pd each! i'll have 2 take it outa ur wages!" Shakes trotters at friend who was NOT such a bestest friend now!

Friend drew the packet of peanuts closer and chin began to wobble (that packet of peanuts were wages i had payed 2 help me on market stall...remember ? )

"erm...never mind" says i noticing the dismay on me friends face, ( coz i can b quite a big softy at times ), "just describe the customer & i'll x-plain & am sure it will b returned, the money or the sunflower oil that is " :) 

Pinky friend composed self after a few sniffy snorts & mopping eyes with few well aimed tissues from me.

"Well it was a big brown bird...blah blah-de-blah "(gave a good description of a Buzzard), & flapping arms in imitation of wings!

Describe bird again!

"K, i know who u means i'll pay Buzzard a visit & am sure he'll understand the mistake U made" (points an akusing trotter at so called friend )and FROWNS  ^>@<^  (like that).

"We'd better pack up then...go on...i'll watch, i barked" (and thats hard 4 a big 2 do gives u a sore throat).

Dropped me piggin' friend off at friends home and made my way to where Buzzard lived. Nocked on door, rat-a-tat tat!...Like that :)

Hi Buzzard :)

Door opened with a screeching noise.

"Hi Buzzard" i smiled :) "am sure u'll understand mistake me friend made about price of sunflower oil, erm...can i have it back plz, oh, i'll do a good deal on wot ever amount u want 2 keep"...2 b cont.

The Greedy Buzzard ... part 2 of 3

Part 2 of 3

"We can park here near them planks. Here

pinky friend, [trotters over purple Tar-Paul-Inn] go & put eet on them planks while i pay market-farmie 4 the pitch...[little later].
k so payed the farmie but he didnt give me any pitch (which i thought was a tar-like substance) just gave me a 're-seat', said not 2 loose it orse av 2 pay agen :),..went back to friend who was chatting to Po-ten-shul customer...heard friend say "we'll b set up in a flash"...but i thought it was gona b a nice day. Looked up at sky, hmm nice & blue wiv fluffy white clouds, no sign of dirty grey thunderclouds or lightning lurking about ??? (think about it ! ).

"Havent u done that yet ? Oh come on i'll help u."

All set up...think i needs little piggies room

So friend promptly tripped over Tar-Paul-Inn and hurt snout on small rock in ground and friend had 2 rest 4 a while till blubbering noise passed. Meanwhile inspected the sheet make sure it wor tore. If waz careful & packed it back alrite cud send it back saying it wor quite the right size. Y shud i pay 4 a ripped sheet, they wud never notice but az it happened...waz ok!

Soooo...set up the stall with a neat purple sheet covering the bare planks. Me piggy friend trottered[not hands as pigs don't have hands] to me carefully with trotters the sunflower oil to stack on the stall. Better not drop 1 (got peg 4 snout out just in case)

"Think i need the little piggies room," grunted Moony, crossing legs, screwing face up & sticking tongue out. "Look after the market stall 4 me wud yer...wont b long."

Oh goody...a po-ten-shul customer!

"Dont worry Moony, i can cope, you can rely on me. Think you suffer from Tiny Bladder Syndrome ! Friend sighs, & says under breath as Moonpig disappears..."but dont b too long as i'm not very confident." Friend now has very worried look on face!

Well not long after along came a big bird & enquired after the price of the oil. Friend mumbled a little & said, "erm er er erm its erm 100pd each"...oinking to oneself friend said "think thats wot Moony said ?"

Knowing that the little pink pig must of got the price wrong, big brown bird looks around

Squawk ! I'll take the lot

making sure no one has seen whats going on course bird wanted it all, counted out his money from his purse(100pd 4 each) and fixed his beady eyes on pig, (unnerving piggy friend).
"I'll take the lot" screeched Buzzard x-tending his pinion feathers out, dragging & piling 'em into his little cart...much like a shopping trolley...but

Wonder whats his hurry ?

bigger...MUCH BIGGER. "Heres the money."& with that Buzzard ran as fast as he cud, dragging the overloaded cart FULL of sunflower oil.

Now pinky friend scratched her head and wondered what had made herself...such a good 'knee-go-she-8-er!'....2 b continued

The Greedy Buzzard ... part 1 of 4

Part 1 of  4

One fine day in the month of May...or...April, Moonpig was working hard on the farm making sunflower oil in the refinery. After many months of growing sunflowers, needing 550 for each batch of oil, making 35 bottles of oil & taking 18hrs.
Moonpig thought out loud..."i'll take some 2 market 2 sell as these farmies who come 2 my farm x-pect it 4 a bargain price, like nowt, will not even cover my costs! I'll just check on me 'still', well that

Glurk! Glubble! Glurk!

aint truly x-ack word 4 it az iz bubbling away in me dis-till-harry"
...glurk! glubble! glurk! (noise of erm dis-till-harry working away).
Next when done, Moony poured oil in2 old pressure cookers, Gwullup! gwullup! Bluuopp! (noise of oil filling up pressure cookers).
"Now 2 stir,(so i gets up & moves, just a little :) ) and leave 2 cool...L8r on(time passes)...Now i just az 2 fill these bottles up i bought cheep :)  [from Ebay] wiv me oil & seal 'em...like...soooo...& pack 'em in these boxes i got even cheeper from wot local super-market chucked out...there...done. Now 2 load up Pearl, the 3-wheeler green beauty that goes like a bomb (after converting 3-wheeler 2 run on forage beet), with the sunflower oil when...

"Need any help ?" oinked me piggy friend in a little squealy voice.

Loaded up Pearl wiv  Sunflower Oil

"Hi friend come along & help me sell me sunflower oil if u want. Cud do with the 'elp I'll pay u peanuts", i said temptingly showing me friend a packet full & shaking it. Me friends eyes lit up & got in2 the car.

"I have 440 bottles of sunflower oil 4 sale & with the 10% tax i has 2 pay ermm...gets Kal-Q-later & punches numbers in & ...think i'll sell 4,.. 440pd each bottle"(thats potato dollars we use on MFF).

"Don't go to fast Moony as i...as i....want to see the scenery and i'll open up the window, just in case.

"Dont know whats up wiv u, we not doing much over 70mph ? Wots that sign say over there ?"

Can u c the pretty trees then ?

Friend uncovers eyes with trotters..."It says 40mph !" Friend covers eyes back with trotters.

"Better put on the breaks then. Errrk,errk errk ! Oh watch out 4 me sunflower oil. Push it back orf ur head dont want 2 damage eet,(seems am getting a lot better with these Earth Words :))..better now ? Is that wot u wanted ? Can u c the pretty trees?" Friend didnt answer as was trying with all might to push back the boxes of sunflower oil......2 b cont.

Keeping Anger Under Control ... part 3 of 3

Part 3 of 3

seems everyone wants my advice

...So...how can we make peace with others? Well I wants me earthly pigs (& others) 2 enjoy peaceful relations(so we invite Aunties,Uncles Cousins & the like 2 dinner).What r my wise words...er..err...continue 2 put up with each other,(put up or or shut up comes 2 mind). Another way is 2 4 give each other.The challenge is 2 apologize ( make sure he or she apologizes 1st & dont give in till they do...lol). Remember ...I am abundant in er...erm... patience & slow 2 anger hehe. If ur brother or sister does something wrong 2 u, what should we do 2 them? Retaliate? Smack 'em in the snout ?...NO! U may feel like doing that but we should 4 give 'em...(like hell not) heh hum! as i do.(i write down all their mistakes in a little book I keep at the farmhouse)...look beneath the surface as 2 why they persist in arguing. Ask urself....were they tired, ill, under pressure (or whats the phrase...bloody minded ?). If not...then u can smack 'em in the snout!

Keeping Anger Under Control ... part 2 of 3

Part 2 of 3

Perhaps we shud get on the other side of the bar!

...So...why do we pigs (& others) loose our cool ? Thats b coz we r...er...erm...not perfect (not right in the head & some r not righter then others...lol ).Pigs with very high xpectations tend 2 have greater problems with anger...so it is wise not 2 xpect 2 much of ourselves or...er...er...others. I interviewed a pig with this problem name of Jackypig and he was often given over 2 bouts of drunkenness & anger. He said 'when i b came angry i would feel on fire!' (thats why he carried a fire xtinguisher with him) ' & i would lash out violently with words & trotters, but with the help of P.A. (pigs anonymous) i have managed 2 control

Bartender says,"What's ur poison lads ?"

myself....Slurp Gulp! (noise of alcohol slipping down his throat).I could c he was thirsty so i offered him my drink.Jackypig said...'What! u want me to forget my drinking problem by offering me a DRINK!!...Bash! Bump! Sock! Pow! (noise of fight)...(went on 4 a bit longer..Biff! Bash!Wallop!)Then 3 strong pigs took him off 2 rehab....2 b cont.

Keeping Anger Under Control ... part 1 of 3

Part 1 of 3

Chill out, read a book

Hi...how r u all ?...lets all "chill out"..like i am...relaxing as i have just been reading 4 ways 2 keep anger under control,(especially when i need 2 get 2 my laptop & 4 some reason i cant)...so....i would like 2 share them with u...
(1) Breath deeply, which is 1 of the best -&- fastest ways 2 reduce the intensity or ur anger....next...
(2) While breathing deeply, repeating a word or phrase that is calming 2 u, such as "relax," "let it go," or "take it easy."...then 
(3) Immersing ur-self in something u enjoy-perhaps reading, listening 2 music, gardening, or some other activity u find relaxing...finally (4) Getting regular exercise & eating a healthful diet...(suddenly...)
Tring tring! Tring tring! Oh flaming phone!! Takes out cellphone from pocket...Hello...Well whats that got 2 do with me!!!....No i didnt do it!!!(throws a tantrum & anything else can get a trotter on)...OH! shut ur pigging mouth up or i'll come over there & sort u out!! (ends call, throws cellphone in2 wastepaper bin). Heh erm! clears throat...as i was saying...2 b cont.

Laptop Blues ...part 3 of 3

Part 3 of 3

working on friends laptop

Soooo not 3 days L8r ...but 8 days had passed...so az i was happily ? happily ? No! not happily...was just finishing playing...playing...No working hard (yes thaz better lol) doing all sorts of things of...of...er...erm...important...yes important thats the Earth word am looking 4...erm...as i was saying...i was just doing this VERY important work on me friends laptop....when.....when....cell phone ringed in me pocket....soooo...i answered it az fink it woz 4 me :) & woz good news at last :)...laptop had pulled thru its operation & woz ready 2 cum home...well did av a little hiccup but got a new hub 2 fix me dongle & mouse 2gether...& me Epson Printer was SOOOO delighted 2 that when it got hooked again 2 old friend the laptop instead of making its normal sound...did a lot of chuntering, thru the 1st piece of paper out with nowt on & chewed the 2nd 1 up! What a welcome! :) ...Heard knock at door & opened it...creak! (needed oiling).
 "Oh hi friend."

come in friend

"Hows your laptop Moony?"
 "Fine, oh thx 4 lending me urs u con av eet back now after i make u somat 2 eat az a way of saying thx"....& with that i sauntered off in2 the kitchen wiv me friend following right b-hind me dribbling!....Sit
down while i make uz some healthy chips :) 

...PLONK! friend sat down while I went 2 work...Got me Stanley Knife out of draw....looked round 4 pinky friend....but he war there ???

Laptop Blues ... part 2 of 2

Part 2 of 3

HEY!

..."HEY!..(i shout)....

"ZZZzzzZZZ. Oooh! what's that ?" Shop keeper wakes up with a start. 
Hmm haz he been listening( i wonder 2 meself ).

"I'll have 2 send it away....will phone you in three days time...you have a cell phone i presume ?

"Yup i az, ears me number" (wrong earth spelling but who cares). Bye. Moonpig looks sad :(
"3 days!!!"oinks Moonpig...walks back with friend to farmhouse...Sigh! twiddle me trotters...wot shall i do now?

"Dont worry Moony you can borrow my laptop" says me friend running off 2 fetch it....Puff Puff Puff....ear you are[wrong earth word is catching] (hands over laptop).

"Ooooo thx :) Let me repay u with...er..er..dinner u will stay wont u ?"

"Sounds good to me." Dribbles !

...So as I prepare potatoes & me dear pink piggy friend watches...i gets me stanley knife...Quisssh Quisssh! (noise of ...er...stanley knife being thrown up, peeling & slicing at the same time as comes down.

Bead of blood on friends trotter

"Neat trick eh!" says I & then...opps knife slipped & pricked friends trotter & bead of blood appeared at end of trotter....oops....It was only a little nick but "oh dear"...i winked...>@^ (like that), "think it bad...we gona have 2 ham-pu-tate ur trotter."

...Well pink piggy friend sat down real hard...PLONK!...in chair & i got a plaster out me pocket & said...All fixed! & U looked relieved...sooo we did 2 bags of tatties & fried 'em in rapeseed oil.

Friend says, "I have 2 go now...look after me laptop...bye "~~~(~ = is wave).

"Will do i" shouted as friend went off down garden path & thru the gate which i understand is an intriguing device 4 getting in & out of...er..erm.things...like gardens....2 b cont..

Laptop Blues ... part 1 of 3

Part 1 of 3

Moonpig slurped down swill 4 breakfast wiped greasy lips & switched on laptop ready 4...erm...work!Click(noise of laptop b-ing switched on )....Nothing happened!...Hmm I'll try again

Blooming laptop!!!!

L8r....signal may be down...time passes....OH! still the same why wont this flipping laptop work? I'll give it a little tap...Thump! Thump! Clump! (noise of laptop getting hit by some 1's trotters :(  ...Oh dear,i feel quite faint...& hot...& dizzy....sweats profusely!

"What ever is the matter Moonpig ?" says me piggy friend.."You look quite pale, have you had a friend die?"

"Oh hi friend u cud say that," I snorted, "think laptop is poorly come on in dont stand by the door! Cant get a peep out of me laptop...have 2 take it in2 the village repair shop & c if its fixable...u want 2 come?"

Serious Rule Book! 

"Cause i'll come" says piggy friend, "i havent got much on anyway." (shrugs shoulders)

"Glad 2 hear that az pigs r not allowed 2 wear clothes...says so in me trotter book here...called animal farm iz rule number 3..c!"

Shows piggy friend me book...but quickly whips it away as i dont want me friend 2 c ALL the rules :) well not just yet. Friend looks puzzled & screws eyes up >@< ...like that.

Later....Tingle lingle ling! (noise of shop bell alerting shop keeper to our presence). 

"What can i do for yer ?" says shop keeper (whipping out a radish or 2 from his pocket & crunching it noisily)...CRUNCH!

"ERM...er...can u fix me laptop if its fixable?" (earnest look).

"Yup! What is exact problem?"

So can u fix it ?

"Well it was working K last night & when i cum 2 use eet this morning...[tears in eyes] (sniffle sniff )..sigh! I cant get a signal...cant get on the Internet &..blah blah blah drone drone...mumble mumble....so u c i just cant do without me laptop....soooo can u fix it ?" 2 b cont...

Patience Is A Virtue ... part 4 of 4

Part 4 of 4

...u cud....*@!!*^<% ! #*@ (soz but av fell foul of sen-sore laws...unprintable/sensored). The reality of life iz that it does little good 2 worry over fings that u can't control.....Soooo i hope u av learned 2 b more patient...erm..like me....PERFLUMP !!!!! & me bestest friend drops down me chimney all covered with soot !!! &, i get covered 2.

wot a pile of sooty mess 

"Splutter ! Splutter ! Cough ! Cough !" says piggy friend. 

Well i really luze me patience now corz me piggin' friend made a BIG mess ALL over me carpet, as well as putting trotter-prints all over !! "AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!" I squeal loudly...getting me brush & pan out & giving it 2 u 2 clean up. I grunts loudly at friend saying, "Woz that u knocking, ringing, & tapping earlier ?"
 A little meek voice came back with
reply..."Yup"
...Now i really luze me cool...corz am hot mad....& pull angry pig-faces & throw fings at pinky pig friend...who runs & falls over chair & i was just about 2 throttle friend when........when...u says...

"But u told me to make sure u were notified as quick as possible, in fact said it would be a matter of life & death...so i come to tell you that the new iPad2 with the stunning Retina Display 5MP, Sight Camera & Ultra fast Wireless thingy you wanted has just come into the shop down village!

So off I drove..wots the speed limit again ?

"Oh....so i did," says I looking sheepishly (& thats hard 4 a pig 2 do...look sheepishly)...looks on table & picks up gizmo thingy...some kind of electronic diary...looks in the 'wot not 2 4get' section & swallows...hard! GULP! like that!...."Right lez both go down 2 the village & remind me 2 pick up some sticky postage notes.

Patience Is A Virtue ... part 3 of 4

Part 3 of 4

Who's tapping on me window!

...TAP! TAP! TAP! "Ohhh! who's tapping on me windows ?" ... gets up & closes curtains with eyes closed...>@<...like that...Go away I grunts, am X-tream-ly bee zee...Now where woz i..."rustle ! rustle ! (noise of moonpig retrieving latest gizmo gadget from wastepaper 

Retrieves latest Gizmo

basket)...& places it lovingly...carefully  on table....Hmm....erm....av a re-al-iz-tick view of life (well am not opening curtains 2 c the view so there! )...erm ack-sept the fact that time moves at the speed of....time...(?) not at the speed of ur x-pect-ations...THAT IS PATIENCE !!! Remember u cannot always control ur sir-cum-stances (hey...am getting better at spelling earth words :) )...sooo try 2 eye-den-ti-fy things u cannot control....2 ill-us-trate...rather than getting angry over...say a delayed bus or train....buy a car or pushbike so u dont av 2 wait...even walking if u need the x-er-size. If waiting iz the only option, try 2 use the time 2 do fings pro-duck-tiv, like making paper airplanes, playing poker or strip jack naked... bet jack wont like that :) any way...Jack shudnt wear clothes...says so in me Animal Farm rule book commandment 3...[taps page of book] or viz-ual-ize wot u'de like 2 do 2 bus driver when he finally turns up like u cud ....2 b cont.

Patience Is A Virtue ... part 2 of 4

Part 2 of 4

...RING ! RING ! RING !

Who's that ringing me bell?

Ohhh! who's ringing me doorbell ? Opens door & squeals....Go away....am x-tremely bee zee....i av no time...SLAM (noise of door slamming shut).

Lets out  a sigh...sighhhhhh! (like that).

Right, now where woz I ??? Ermm...r...yes...r u stressed from av-ing 2 many fings 2 do, 2 many places 2 b in & 2 many friends of the pig-kind 2 stay in touch with ? I tell u that fun-dar-mental-ly, stress iz the corz of erm..much of ur impatience...(notice i dont include meself as i am very patient already so not apply 2 me :) )...erm...ur impatient reactions.....Soooo.....slow down & smell the

Smell the roses!

roses...erm so 2 oink, make time 2 enjoy life, make deep pig-ships wiv others. U may need 2 look at ur daily routine...ask urself...where can i slow down or wot can u cut out ?(mind ur trotters with them siz-zors coz them sharp). Wise proverb says, 4 everything, is an appointed time.....a time 2 keep & a time 2 throw away...? Beware of er...time wasting hobbies & gadgets....?...Hmmm! Wheee plop! (noise of latest purchased 'gizmo' throw in2 wastepaper basket)...wots that noise ??? 2 b cont.

Patience Is A Virtue ... part 1 of 4

Part 1 of 4

Welcome...do u want 2 know how 2 b a patience little pig ? U do...good :) .

1st thing 2 do iz 2 identify the causes that triggers ur impatience.  R there individuals who TRY ur patience, like ur mate or best friend ? Do u lose ur patience while waiting 4 others or when ur running L8 ? Or cud u b tired, HUNGRY, sleepy or under some kind of stress ? Do u tend 2 lose ur patience at home or at work...or...maybe both ? U may say...some things r not working out as u thought they wud.Time may b the stress factor in ur life....

KNOCK KNOCK !!

Who's Knocking  On Me Door?

Oh who's that knocking on me door ! Go away...oinks I without opening the door, am very bee zee i az loads of fings 2 do & dow bother cuming back this side of next month !!! Heh-hum....soooo....where woz i ? R....yes....if u woz 2 simplify ur life....(looks round farmhouse at all me time saving labour devices )...like me...erm...er...errrr...instead of

But i needs all of me labor saving devices!

multitasking...erm...err (gets a little lost at this point :) )...coz  really that wud....er....overtax sum 1's brain (not mine though)...erm...yes...multitasking erodes 1's ability 2 pay focused close attention & er...erm...thiz eats away at traits such az patience, tenacity,(av 2 look this word up)...judgement & problem solving....Wotz that noise ??? 2 b cont....

At The Gym Weights & Things ... part4 of 4

Weights & Things : Part 4 of 4

Giggled and snorted b-hind our trotters!

...well we ALL fell about laughing hehe & didnt notice him storming over 2 us...."YOUR BARRED!" he grunted "I've been watching you two & have had quite a few complaints about you" ...& as he listed them his voice seemed to 'whistle' a bit lol. He oinked on & listed complaints which were...(1) You upset Bertha by stuffin' yourselves with fish & chips after 1 of her fitness classes...we giggled & snorted out loud.., "hehehe...snoortt"( like that) (2) You harassed Randy & Lola watching them erm..er workout"...(oh yeah...whos buying that 1 ;)..)...more oinky

More giggling!

grunts..."oinky oinky gruuunt!"(like that)...:) (3) You played about on the treadmill, flying your friend off into space & onto the exercise bike, where you proceeded to set it on fire!..we put our trotters over our mouths & sniggered...(4) Also you wrote off the Pro Fitness Cyclone Air Rowing machine & one of you loosed off a row of obscenities..... i pointed at me friend grinning & saying .."Not me!"....(5) You ogled the young sows in the next room & drooled making faces & scaring them while you were trampolining.

"I woz...i woz er, erm, exercising me face muscles!"Oinked Moonpig.

(6) Lastly you flung that trampoline so hard at ME that my whistle..."now where is my whistle ?"

ooOoo, we're barred

 "He he he!"...we pointed to his snout..."Soooo wot u gona do 'bout it?" says I wiv trotters on  ...er...hips.

"YOU'RE BARRED"...shouty oinked Dick.

"Oh good" said we both together, with Moony mopping his brow b-tween his legs!