The Commissioners Speech December 25th 2017

Moonpig wonders over to his cornfield where his UFO with cloak device is on and tinkers with his UFO's control panel.
Tinker tinker !! Bash bang wallop ! Still cant find out Y all me co-ordinates got wiped out ???

Wow ! Itz been snowing :)

Over 7 years now, well 7 years & 9 months by me rekon-ing, i az been dumped here on this dismal planet they call Earth...SIGH ! (& thats a big sigh). Wonder wots goin' on  back home ?  Let's c...at this time of year i wud b playing all the usual family games...like 'Blind Pigs In The Buff', 'Charades', thaz a bit hard 2 play on yer own so i look in a mirror but i still cor guess wot silly green pig is mimining 2 me :) & 'Pass The Parsnip'. We play that by passing a parsnip or wot ever other veggie we az 2 trotter while sittin' on floor & the music playing & wen eet stops the 1 who az the parsnip con take bites outa eet till music starts agen & orf we pass the veggie agen. Amongst other games.
We wud b x-changing Happy Commissioner Day cards & presents wiv family & friends & the day b 4 we wud b decking the tree trunks outside wiv nails & holly.  So i do this ear (wrong Earth word spelling but who cares)...deck the tree trunks outside wiv nails & holly etc...& build a big snow tree (sticks a few carrots & apples in tree for decorations).

There u iz tree...dow u look pretty :)

Wonder wot Mama, Papa & me numerous siblings r doin' ? (sniffle sniff)
Inside me farmhouse i az strung up the many previous years streamers they look pretty tatty now...must get sum new 1's if ham still ear next year & bin blowing up balloons wiv blasting powder 2. Been cooking & preparing deli-cassys like leaves, acorns, roast termites & scarab beetles b sides grubs of differing kinds...& loads of lager. Even tried brewin' me own thiz year (Yuck!) iz great flavor (Urgh!) who ham eye kiddin'. Still will giv eet me best shot...Glug glug glug ! :) 
Woz messing 'bout still tinkering in me UFO...like 1 does when suddenly.....Szzwhoo-Zhooow-Shzooowoo....& this hologram appeared in front of me eyes..twas a big green pig wiv his favourite pet kat named Mog on his lap...i rubbed me eyes wiv trotters.
Twas great illustrious leader of Zork...from me home planet...he looked a year older somehow & he is known by the title "Commissioner" & he grunted out....erm...i wrote some of it down 4 u c ? erm...think i'd better translate 4 u.

The Commissioner & iz kat

Says....A message from ur Commissioner, eh hum (clears throat) Loyal subjects....Another year az com and gon, Blah blah blah...drone drone drone...wow how long he goes on & on still, telling the same old story 'bout how great eet iz 4 sum 2 sacrifice 1 self by giving of 1 self 4 planet Zork & remembering those who av...& how sum may never b seen again...? Not sure if he mentioned me ? Phew! At last he says...& it gives me great pleasure 2 announce that u may now celebrate "Commissioner Day"....Sooooo let the celebrations b-gin, eat drink & throw up...Then just as he appeared, he disappeared...suddenly...like.
WOW ! oinked I.
Perhaps they STILL aint 4 got me...& i wonder if they got a day on Zork that remembers all those who gave their lives up 4 the good of the planet & that they r still trying 2 contact me 2 get me home....sob sob sniffle & me chin wobbled...just a bit...think i herd 'nother voice saying " Live long & prosper ", fink it was the Commissioner...or just me finking it ???  R well must make most of me life ear( wrong spellin' gen but who cares ? 1 day ham sure i'll get hang of eet :) )
Woz that noize ?? Oh hi Pinky :) U cum 2 celebrate wiv me this year :)

Got A Problem ? (2) Letter From A Worried Mother Pig

Dear moonpig, I have twiglets, (thats twin piglets)one  is named 'Abitdeaf' & the other 'Conhardlysee' one twiglet is a trifle deaf & the other is a bit shortsighted. They were both born ok, then after an accident with the tractor they were driving down the lane, they crashed into a tree & rolled 50ft down an 

Nuffin 2 worry about :)

embankment on to the railway lines fractionaly misses the express train to London. To cap it all they were chased by farmers bull when they tried to take a short cut through a field, got tossed by bulls horns onto a dirt track then bit by the old collie dog who thought they were burglars...can u help signed Mrs Porker?
Moonpigs reply "Dear Mrs.Porker I dow c wot the problem iz u have 1 good piglet between the 2...oink!"

Got A Problem ? (1) Stalker.

                               Stalker

Let Moonpig Help 

                                     

Live phone-in from studio, (Hehe...Moonpigs farmhouse actually) What seems 2 b the problem caller ?
--Hiya, (said in a deep voice) I think am being stalked.
--Hmm, & what makes u think that ?
--When I am walking home at night I hear trotter-steps behind me & when i stop & look theres no one there.
--Hmm, pretty unnerving heh ! ...Lets c if i got this rite...u 'ears trotter-steps & when u stop what do u hear ?
--I hear...nothing.
--Ok, so u walking home in dark and u hear trottersteps & when u stop...u dont hear a thing Hmm hmm...It seems 2 me that u r paranoid...they ur own trotter steps!! Hope u aint wearing stilettoes as pigs r banned from wearing clothes!!
--O u cud b right, o sorry my apologies, i do feel a fool.
--Well dont do that as u b held up 4 molesting.
--Burrrrrrrrr....
--Hmm...caller has put phone down.

Mootown's Summer Music Festival ... part 5 of 5

Part 5 of 5

 Tingle lingle lingle lingle ting ting Tingle lingle......went Pinky giving it 'welly' on her triangle...

--Where's every1 rushing orf 2 ? queries Moony...looking all agog, expectant or curious, maybe all three...And y r they all shouting FIRE ! (scratches butt). Cum on Pinky me friend, fink we az better go 2, we dow wont 2  b maid in2 pork scratchings. Mite b a good idea 2 get a lager 4 me & a ginger beer 4 u.

--Goody goody, squeals Pinky ceasing from belting her triangle, we can come back at 3pm...for the Music Festival :)  

TIME PASSES....Moonpig and Pinky along with a steady stream of animals and farmies work their way towards the bandstand.

The orchestra pigs take their station on the bandstand...mumbles of, "who's put their pigging trotters through my Bass Drum" ?  can be heard....Pinky and Moony aint gona own up no way !!! 

--S'cuse me but i can blow me trumpet can i join in ? Moonpig holds up his 'Martin Committee large bore Handcraft trumpet' made in 1939, and uses a No. 3 silver plated mouthpiece from Bach made in 1926....and off he demonstrates, ....Phtut toot toot, phtut parrrp Phtut toot toot phtut, toot toot phtut Phtut parrrp ! 

--Good grief ! bewails Randy (Navarre his last name ? Maybe) the conductor of the band, and as he is most polite says, all the positions have been filled perhaps next time.

--What about me, i can play the triangle, oinks Pinky with a hopeful look, holding up the...triangle.

Randy brings the band to order.

--Not to put to much a fine point on it but as i said to your friend, we already have a full orchestra, says Randy, but maybe next time ;)

--No worries, i'll be pitch perfect next time Randy me old mate :) grunts Moony.

Randy turns and shakes his head and a little dandruff falls out...well he aint got much hair.

The orchestra warms up...well it was still quite warm weather even after 3pm...lots of strange noise combinations emit from the various instruments. Moonpig and Pinky along with the crowd that had gathered, settled down to listen to the band play. # Da da da da lala lala lala pomperpomp pom pomper lala lala ... went the band ;) and so on and on and on you catch my drift ? Moonpig just happened to of bought some popcorn infact bucket loads of it....

--Wonder if we con get popcorn 2 land inside that tuba...oinked Moony throwing a trotter full or two...Ear, u av a go, (wrong earth word but who cares...trotters some over to

Prosperity, Moonpig and Pinky throw popcorn

Pinky)....chuck, chuck, wheeee plop! ... Same goes for the trombone, 

--The french horn is a bit harder to try to get the popcorn in, chuckled Pinky throwing under arm like, and up !....Wheeeee plop! Wheeeee plop!

Randy turns round mortified but still manages to hold the band together with his baton waving madly about.

--Whats he doing that for, inquires Pinky...watching Randy waving his stick about (baton really).

--He's trying 2 conjure up electricity whispers Moony, who throws in a joke for Prosperity (name of pig sitting next to them and helping himself to Moony's popcorn) Moonpig tells his joke....Did you hear about the band director who got zapped by electricity? 

--Prosperity oinks, He must have been a good conductor ! (Lots of snorty giggles)

-- He he ! And did u noze that in the beginning, there waz only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the pigs were 2 stupid 2 play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them.

--OOOooo, exclaimed Pinky...thinking of her inflatable guitar.

--Yup, then them pigs were known az “strings” &...then they noticed that sum pigs woz 2 dumb 2 play strings, so they woz given 2 sticks & woz told 2 hit whatever they wanted..sum pigs hit each other. These pigs waz known az “percussionists”. Finally, they noticed that 1 percussionist woz so dumb, he couldn’t even do that, so they took away 1 of his sticks & told him 2 go stand in front of everybody. And that woz the birth of the 1st conductor :)

Throw all the popcorn !!!

A fit of giggles & snorty oinks broke out causing a raucous which caused Randy to whirl around furiously. At this point in time it was considered fair play to throw all the popcorn at the band. All the wind instruments were throwing out accumulated popcorn in ever increasing numbers.

Not long after in the distance could be heard...me-waw me-waw (noise of police cars).

Guess who ran off ! .... END

Mootown's Summer Music Festival ... part 4 of 5

Part 4 of 5

 Moonpig takes along his trumpet, which if you recall is a  'Martin Committee large bore Handcraft trumpet' made in 1939, and uses a No. 3 silver plated mouthpiece from Bach made in 1926. Pinky brings along her triangle which Moony did not object to in the end, and off they trot to Mootown  Music Festival. 

Front seats 4 us !!!

The bandstand comes into view, the platform has been erected and roofed for outdoor band performances and provided by the Mootown Council...for a small fee plus 10%. Chairs to one side can be reserved for a small fee plus10%, otherwise a bring your own seat section is set out for a small fee plus10%. Standing room is also available for a modest fee plus10%, (tax to put stuff in the market is by a strange coincidence the same 10% fee). 

There's a notice hanging on the bandstand. It says...'As it's still rather hot, the Music Festival is put back till after 3pm which by that time, things should be cooling down.'...

All the instruments to be played are already waiting stacked up to oneside and despite the heat they should be alright. Although thinking a little, Anyone could steal them !! but he was already locked up in prison. So, they should be alright. 

--Phew ! grunts Moonpig, wiping his brow between his legs, (possibly a...yoga position ?). Lets jump up on the bandstand anyway & prak-tis...but b kareful of all the instruments that r already ear waiting 2 b played no doubt...(few wrong Earth word spellings but who cares)

--Okay M-o-o-n-y, yells Pinky stepping backwards and putting her trotter through the big bass drum.

Silly place to leave a drum oinks Pinky 

--Sokay lets just hide it behind the rest of the instruments...scrrrape! scrrrrape! (noise of scraping and dragging of drum being hidden). Moonpig raises the trumpet to his erm...lips...Moonpig continues to explain to Pinky... 

The sound is produced by blowing air through closed lips, like so, producing a buzzing sound into the mouthpiece & starting a standing wave vibration in the air column inside the trumpet. The sound resonates in a deep full bodied...erm sound (well you have to believe it)...listen...Phtut toot toot, phtut parrrp ! (Okay, soooo he was only learning might need more practice :) )

Farmies and pigs stop startled in their tracks to listen to the strange erm....wonderful sound, (i think) but can you think of why were they screwing their faces up ? Perhaps the sun was in their eyes ?

--I'll have a practice too,...Pinky plays...anyway she wants on her triangle...tingle ting ting...tingle ting ting.

--R wot a lovely sound Pinky, give eet som welly!!!

--Okay...we can have our own music festival :)

Go 4 eet Pinky !!!

So Pinky 'goes to town' as it were...listen !!! Tingle lingle lingle lingle ting ting lingle lingle lingle ting  ting .....

At the same time, Moony blows for all he's worth...Phtut toot toot, phtut parrrp Phtut toot toot phtut PARRRPP! (not much improvement there then :) )

There's no stopping her now !!! As Pinky beats the hell out of her triangle...Tingle lingle lingle lingle ting ting Tingle lingle lingle lingle Ting Ting TING!!!! Round and round she hits the triangle with her triangle stick in circle after circle without let up...creating a continuous DIN !!! Tingle lingle lingle lingle ting ting Tingle lingle......

Farmies and pigs that were standing around suddenly run off shouting FIRE !!!! FIRE !!!! Farmies and pigs think the continuous noise of the triangle is the fire alarm..... 2 b continued

Mootown's Summer Music Festival ... part 3 of 5

Part 3 of 5

 After about 20 minutes, Pinky comes rushing in Moonpig's farmhouse almost knocking him over ! Moonpig frowns ^>@<^ (< like that), Pinky cowers and is most apologetic and regretfully acknowledges fault or failure...i did say almost didn't i :)

--Wots that u hiding b-hind ur back, grunts Moonpig holding and rubbing a  sore backside. AND in rather a bad mood, mutters something about a bruise forming !!!

I'll give it a blow....

--It's...Da dah! (that's a big build up...sort of)...this (smirks Pinky holding up a plastic toy trumpet).

--I noze wot that iz. It's a trumpet !! even if eet iz a plastic toy 1. And now it's Moonys turn to smirk! so....SMIRK !!! Can you get a sound form eet ?

--Not sure hang on I'll give it a blow....Toot Toot Toot ! goes the plastic toy trumpet...and Pinky sings # Oh we can play on the trum-hum-pet and this is the way we do it, Toot toot toot on the plastic trumpet and that's the way we do it !

--Soz but u cor take that 2 the Music Festival....coz i mite take mine (Moonpig holds out his trumpet)...It's a 'Martin Committee large bore Handcraft trumpet' made in 1939, so i woz told and uses a No. 3 silver plated mouthpiece from Bach made in 1926...soooooo u can't take that > (points).

Mine's a GOOD trumpet wiv a silver plated mouthpiece

Pinky's chin begins to wobble a sure sign that she will burst into tears !!!

--Erm, ham sure u may av somat else more erm...errr...more suitable 4 a pretty pink pig like u :)

Pinky thinks...and thinks...and thinks...Then runs off.

--Oh well, might not c her agen then, grunts Moonpig.

No sooner words were out of his snouty mouth, when.......

--Look what I found, squeals Pinky with delight ! (so who is this Delight ? Name of another pig perhaps ? )

-- That's a blow up inflatable guitar silly...u wont get a sound outa that !!! Moonpig puts his trotters akimbo.

Silly Pinky....oink oink !

--Oh yes i can and it does so there, pouts Pinky...and she proceeds to demonstrates...air guitar style!!!  (making the noise with her snouty mouth,)Bowwoung wow wow bowong nyow nyow WWONWW !!! then sings # Oh we can play on the air guitar and this is the way to do it, Bowwoung wow wow bowong nyow nyow WWONWW on the air guitar and that's the way we do it...Bowwoung wow wow bowong nyow nyow WWONWW Pinky demonstrates once again!!! Well what yah think ? 

Moonpig looks and shakes his head with disbelief !!! (even though Disbelief..erm...another pig had just flown out the window...so to oink!)

--I dow fink that iz wot them u'll b looking 4...after all eet iz a program of festive activities, cultural events, or a music festival of the highest calibre type...Moonpig rolls his eyes in a snooty way...which shows disapproval or contempt towards others, especially those considered to belong to a lower social class (like Pinky...according to Moonpig).

--It's entertainment...snivelled Pinky, wiping her runny snout on the back of her trotter.

--That may az well b, but iz not erm...upper class enuf...soz...so no u can't bring that 2 the erm...Music Festival...iz juz not allowed !!!....2 b continued

Mootown's Summer Music Festival ...part 2 of 5

Part 2 of 5

 ...puff pant puff pant ! Here comes Pinky, puffing and panting away with her big bass drum...well it's still hot ! And Pinky starts to sweat ! Hang on...that can't be right for a sow ! Ah! Pinky starts to'glow'...that's a better word :)

--I'm jolly good at playing my big bass drum. Think they will let me play it Moony ? ... & Pinky starts to beat the big bass drum with drum sticks ...Boom Boom Boom goes the big bass drum...Pinky sings # Boom Boom Boom goes the big bass drum and that's the way to do it, Boom Boom Boom goes the big bass drum and that’s the music to it !

Not very tuneful...

--Nah, they already az a big bass drum player...anyroads that's not very tuneful.

--But that’s the music to it...Pinky looks a little downcast, despairing or crestfallen. Maybe all three, and gives a despairing little shrug.

--I fink u shud try somat else...oinked Moonpig, wot else u got ?

-- I know, I know...Pinky's face lights up...and off ran Pinky...bringing back a shiny angled piece of metal 'thing' with a shiny 'stick'.

--Wos that supposed 2 b ?...> (points), dow look like much !!

--It's my triangle...listen. Pinky starts to wallop it one. Alas the only sound is...Ting Ting Ting...goes the triangle. Pinky sings # Oh we can play on the tri-angle and this is the way we do it...ting ting ting goes the tri-angle...and that's the way we do it.

He he he oinky oinky oink!

Moonpig rolls on floor laughing. Pinky looks a little discouraged, disheartened or doleful. Maybe all three, and Pinky gave a despairing little shrug...regarding him with doleful eyes :(

--R, this iz hill-hare-e-us, squealed Moony...erm...don't fink anyone will be able 2 ear eet..that little tinkering sound. 

Moonpig sniggers...excessively, to a greater degree or in greater amounts than is necessary, normal, or desirable :D

--Oh, I have something else...i'll just go and see if i can find it, mutters Pinky  

--K, shud b a laff :) Moonpig smirks. That means, he smiles in an irritatingly smug, conceited, or silly way...maybe all three.

Well off runs Pinky and returns in turbo mode (wow ! that's fast) with a....tambourine...almost bumping into Moonpig.

--Watch out friend. Hmm! wot u do wiv that > (points).

Pinky bashes and shakes it with her trotters, Chink Chink Chink goes the tambourine. 

Not sure 'bout that Pinky ???

--Pinky sings # Oh we can play on the tambourine and this is the way we do it...Chink chink chink goes the tambourine and that’s the music to it ! ....Well what do you think Moony ?

--Erm, well..erm...errrrr...(scratches butt ! )

--I can see you still not sure which instrument is best  :(  Pinky looks downcast.

--Yeah, erm...after all u must find a tool or implement that iz especially 1, 4 precision work...(Moony mumbles on)

Suddenly, Pinky's eyes light up !!! As if registering something,(or not ?)...and runs out shouting to Moony, "I'll be back"....2b cont.

Mootown's Summer Music Festival ... part 1 of 5

Part 1 of 5

 The hot sun throws it's rays down...zap zap ! (noise of sun throwing rays down), summer was here at last and it was warm, very warm, in fact it was very very warm. Moonpig is in his farmhouse fanning himself !! 

Fink a mud bath mite do the trick

--It's a shame that the days can't be like the nights...cool. I really needs 2 put sun-cream on, (me oinks)...but wud that go against the law, treaty, or code of conduct in the rules of the Animal Farm Book  ?...(looks in book) nope, no rule 'bout that so...slip slap splosh! (noise of sun-cream factor 45 & 3 quarters lubricating pigskin)...Hmm, still hot perhaps a mud bath wud b in order ? Moonpig runs a mud-bath & rolls in it then oinks...but the back of me neck now iz feeling gritty & no surprise 2, getting dirty...tut! Moony wipes the grit off with a sponge and sits at the table in the kitchen...messing with...things, oblivious to his door opening wider and in trots Pinky. Pinky is Moonpigs Earth pig friend.

--Hi Moony, oinks Pinky...I've just come back from Mootown and all pigs and farmies there are looking half dead...hotter than a match head. There doesn't seem to be a shadow in Mootown that isn't occupied.

--Hmmm! Let urself in agen i c...well that's a pity...erm about...(mumbles as Moony seems preoccupied or lost in thought, maybe both...maybe :)  ).

U look a bit hot urself Pinky

--Lots of pigs hotter than a B-B-Q (that's barbeque if you need an explanation)...erm...roasting nuts sort of ? adds Pinky (now Pinky seems to of lost her trail of thought watching Moony still messing with...things.)

Without looking up Moonpig next speaks...well oinks :) ...

--Really ? :) Isn't it a pity. U look a bit erm, hot urself...Pinky blushes as she gets the wrong sense of it :) Sooo u been 2 Mootown then...continues Moony still messing around with...things !

--Yes, i had to take all i had grown to sell in the market...charging a little extra then what i really wanted for the veggies as you have to pay 10% tax still, grumbles Pinky :(  you could grunt that the tax man is taking all my pd (Potato Dollars is the name of the money we use on MyFreeFarm).

--O, that's a shame...Spllff ! (noise of Moonpig opening a tin o

r 2 of lager) plonk! Clink! Clinkly Clink! (chucks in a few lumps of ice). Now i'm sitting here, sipping at me ice cold lager & wot an hopeless hostess i iz let me get u a nice cold ginger beer. Pinky's eyes light up ^O@O^ (like that)

Ginger beer 4 u Pinky

--Thanks Moony...thsupp! thspp! thssupp! (noise of Pinky drinking through a straw) What you doing with those > (points to an array of instruments on the kitchen table and around and about).

--I iz deciding wot i'm gona 2 take 2 the Bandstand in the park at Mootown this afternoon and play... Hmm !  Eeny meeny miny moe...which iz the instrument i'm gona blow...??? 

--Didn't know you were going to play at the Music Festival, you joined the Orchestra then ? Inquires Pinky looking with much concentration. --Oh ! erm...yes, yes of corz (really Moonpig has no idea what Pinky means).Moonpig picks up the French horn & gives it a blow...♫♫  Parrrp ! ♪♫ perrrrp! ♫parrp ! Pinky frowns & covers her ears with trotters !!!

♪ ♪♫ mite improve ...in time ?

--Dont worry i'll soon get the hang of eet,...grins Moony.

And somehow the French Horn sounded out when next blown somat like as if it was saying 'Ne me fais pas rire!' (translation goes...don't make me laugh ! ) And now Pinky has an idea...--I have a big bass drum at my farmhouse...I'll go and fetch it.And off goes Pinky to fetch her big bass drum....2 b continued

Mootown Village Fête ... part 6 of 6

Part 6 of 6

Pinky & Moony follow the trail as best as can. Pigs are running riot still and shouting somat like 'Someone get a gun'. Now Someone was the brother of Somebodyelse who was looking after the Bouncy Castle if you remember...but had now abandoned it, also Somebodyelse was looking for Agun brother of...well this is all getting too complicated (brother of this and that thingy). Next thing Nepotism showed up with Agun grunting out orders and giving them jobs to do.

To Thisthingy & Thatthingy he bellowed to get the salt as it was getting too complicated for them pair. Next he grunted orders for Thempair to remain at her post and get back inside...she

Thempair remained at her post

was looking after the flower arranging tent & and perishable goods 😁

The slime trail led to the tent with the Monster Fruit & Veggies. Inside crept our two intrepid pigs, fearless as the day is long since they will not know what they will find. First of all there was no Slugger. Secondly, Moony walked up to his monster tomato and cried. A thing you don't often see unless he's oinking about his Mama and Papa & Home which is a planet with name of Zork if you didnt know...actually he cried out with a raw-like squealing....

--Who's been eating me tomato 😕  now i wont win & get the prize 4 biggest tomato  😒 (only the stalk left or as some would say the spider...well it looked like a spider from a long way away)...sniff sniffle sniff ! s'cuse me while i blows me snout, PARP ! ...The tomato, or what's left, has minutely tooth marks in..now slugs don't have teeth or tongues they have a special organ called a radula that has thousands of tiny protrusions, (erm, similar to teeth ) that help them grind up their food... Hmmm! food 4 fort...oinked Moony.

--Oh thats a shame Moony 😑 wonder what could of eaten it ? Pinky looked a bit downcast or sad even 😐

--It's piggin' well spoiled thats wot eet iz  😢...Wots that trail down there ➨ (points to oversized slime trail) better follow eet.

The long trail takes them through the forest where they spy a Giant Slug.

Is that you slugger ???

--Is that you Slugger ? calls out Pinky. Oh Moony look...it IS Slugger, I'd know that smile anywhere 😊😊 But why have you GROWN so BIG ???

--Coz he's been eating me monster tomato...that's y 😒the one i did lovingly grow with Gusto & ... then Moonys eyes light up at the prospect of giant slug for tea ^O@O^ (somat like that ⬅ ) & he begins to...drool !

Noises can be heard in the not to distance. It is the noise of pigs on the trail of the Giant slug with Agun...da da da dum !

--Quick lets jump on Slugger and ...sliver-slide all the way home 😀 grunts Moony.

--Okay, but only if you put that knife and fork away ^>@<^ frowns Pinky.

-- Oh...i didnt re-a-lize i had them in me trotters...woz meant for...erm...err...eating me tomato, yes, yes, that's wots eet woz 4, save carrying it all the way back home 😋 (snigger).

So up they struggle onto Sluggers back.

--Up up & away...oinks Moony to Slugger with his trotters out stretched...but he wouldn't budge !!!

--Up up and away...oinks Pinky to Slugger with her trotters out stretched...and lunging forward even move suddenly forward or leaping...if you like...maybe all three...Slugger reared up and dived forward at affrettando speed...or allegretto vivace speed...maybe both ???

Quickly they arrived at the club house where Slugger lives with Sammy.

--Hmmm, oinks Moony...he's not gona fit in the vivarium u az there ➨ (points)

--Pinky oinks...Oh dear how we going to make him fit ? Poor Slugger 😢

--Well i az me knife & fork we cud cut him up so az he'll fit...drools Moony 😋

--NO ! NO ! keep away Moony there must be another way ? waves trotters in air showing dismay.

--Well we cud shrink im in the washing machine on a very HOT wash 😀

--NO ! NO ! Whatever are you suggesting, he would cook !

--Wots rung wiv that ??? (snigger...Ah, T ...here we come...DROOLS).

Suddenly a noise like a giant deflating whoopie cushion could be heard...Pfpffffhhhhhh, Furph ! Pfpfpfffhhhhhh ! Furp ! ...On turning round Slugger was now...slug size 😊 

--Oh Slugger...you have returned to normal 😤 (makes cooing noises at Slugger as slug is gently put into vivarium).

Back you go Slugger 😊

--Did u win a prize, did he do his tricks ? oinks Moonpig, while watching Pinky stroke Slugger, and return him to his erm, tank.

--No, he got shy so i didnt pressure him 😟 

--So knee-verr of uz won then ? Oh, 4 got i got this (holds up coconut).

--You going to share it then Moony ?

--Later, i az more pressing, erm...err...things 2 do 😏

--Like...What ? grumbled Pinky.

--Like...where az Sammy snail got 2 ? peers into vivarium, Did u make sure vivarium woz shut tight after u took Slugger out this morning ? (scratches butt ! )

Pinky's chin begins to wobble a sure sign she's upset an about to cry...maybe, unless...but meanwhile dashes about trying to look for signs of slime.

--ear, ⬇ (points downwards-Oh! and wrong Earth spelling but who cares 😑 ) a slime trail !!! grunts Moony.

-- Shall we follow it Moony ? squeals Pinky, wiping a tear from her eye.

--Well eye aint about 2 lick eet up !

So off goes Moonpig and Pinky closely following snail slime. Entering Moonpigs garden still following the slime trail and down to where his clotch was 😏

--There you are Sammy, i'd know your smile anywhere 😁

--Right, & i con guess where u av bin 😒  Moony sticks his head in his clotch & exclaimes...No tomatoes left and the tin,  sack or box...maybe all three.

There you are Sammy 😌

--Don't worry Moony, think Sammy will shrink back to normal soon. I can hear wind escaping as we speak. No harm done 😀

--Humppff !!! grumbled Moonpig. 

--I'm hungry, moaned Pinky, did you bring the coconut with you ? 

Well a pig must have something to do while waiting for...waiting for...escaping wind, well you know what we mean.

What do you think ? Did pinky get a share of the coconut ? We hope so 😉 but one can never tell...maybe.......The End.

Mootown Village Fête ... part 5 of 6

Part 5 of 6

...As i was saying...Moony & Pinky walks up to the coconut shy.

--Three balls for 60pd...shouts Coconut Shy pig with name of AnotherCon, (pd = potato dollars we use on myfreefarm)..try your luck green piggie you look strong.

--Yeah, well thats a lot of pd 4 so few balls.

--Okay, seeing as it's you i'll give you 1 extra...what do you say ? AnotherCon grins😀.

--Erm...juz look in me skin-pocket (fumbles about in pocket) i az this (pulls out 50pd).

--Well seeing as it's you....

I Can't lose !!!

--Coz eets me...butts in Moony...who did u think eet woz ??? If eet tay me eets Somebodyelse but eet cor b az Somebodyelse  iz stood stonding over there ➥ ( points to Somebodyelse who is supervising the Bouncy Castle). CHUCK ! Wheeeeeeeeeee thunk! Humpf ! tay shifted at all 😲 ....Bigger CHUCK ! WHeeeeeeeee Thunk !  CHUCKKK ! WHEEeeeeee! Humpf ! Somat not rite ear (wrong Earth word but who cares ? ) 

--Last go...give it your best  😊squeals Pinky friend.

-- BIGGER-HARDER-LONGER-CHUCK !!! WHEEEEEEEEEEE ! ... oooOOO look at that strange bird in the sky ⬆ (Moony points up to sky like that ⬆). Well Pinky looks up ⬆ & AnotherCon looks up ⬆... & Moony quickly knocks coconut off the top of the coconut pole along with a sticky substance, with a hammer picked up from floor...( Simple Definition of sticky substance is...somat such as glue or honey...on which things are easily attached like a coconut on a pole used to cheat). Moonpig dances in a wonky circle 🔁 and oinks out in a singy song grunt ... ♫♪  i won i won i won, i knocked the coconut rite orf the top and on 2 the floor  think i gets a coconut 4 that 😊😉😊

--What ! How did you do that ? grunts AnotherCon...knowing that with the Super Glue sticking down the coconuts it should be impossible to knock one off. Begrudgingly, or in a manner that is envious or reluctant, AnotherCon trotters over a coconut. 

--Hey Pinky friend, y dont u get urself a candy floss...trotters over a few pd...just enough left to treat Pinky to a candy floss.

--Wow thanks Moony you are so generous 😃  and off Pinky skips to buy a candy floss.

--Now where woz the beer tent...scratches butt...r over there me finks...and off goes Moony in the opposite direction from friend...& spends some quality time there...trying out all the beers of course...using credit cards 😃😀😁

Wots that say ???

Meanwhile Pinky decides to look in on Slugger in the pet section tent just to be sure he's alright...When she gets there, the vivarium is...da da da dum! (thats a big build up 😊 ) EMPTY. Slugger is no where in sight except for a small sliver of mucus going nowhere special. Pinky's chin starts to wobble a sure sign that she's upset and about to cry 😭...but manages to hold it together and races off to find Moonpig while holding chin in place.

Ah ! there is Moonpig, stumbling out the beer tent...with a silly look on his face !

--Slowfth downfth Pinkyfth mefth oldfth friendfth, u hayfth makingfth...Hic!...muchfth sensefth...Hic! sayfth agenfth Hic, Burp!.

So Pinky get's Moony a very LARGE coffee or 3 using Moony's credit cards, which come in trottery as pigs dont have hands, and the hair of a dog in each (a alcoholic drink taken to cure a hangover) then drags Moony along to where Slugger should be...meanwhile a rumpus like a noisy disturbance is going on all around the Mootown Village Square.

What's all the noise about ???

--It's a monster Someone shouts...and we see the farmies scattering back to their farms and homes, and the pigs hear shouts also of...'Run for your lives', and pandemonium a kind of panic or a wild and noisy disorder or confusion if you like broke out. As it happens, Pandemonium, which was also name of a large pig, was in the beer tent supping ale & fell over Unconscious who was asleep on the floor as Pandemonium was trying to look out of the tent at all the kerfuffle 😐 & the kerfuffle grew all around all around and the kerfuffle well, it just grew...all around.......

--He WAS here ➥ Pinky points to empty vivarium 😕

m t (empty)

--O  strange ???...erm...did u notice that slime trail ??? ⬉ (points)...ham sure will b able 2 track him down...probably juz gone 4 a P 😉 lets go & c where trail leads....2 b cont

Mootown Village Fête ... part 4 of 6

Part 4 of 6

With Slugger now slithering unsteadily and dazed on Moonys snout..Pinky runs to retrieve her pet.

--Stupid slug...blubbers Pinky almost uncontrollably...and snatches Slugger just as Moony opens his snouty mouth...Don't eat him !!! squeals Pinky.

-- Now wud i do somat az cruel az that ! (crosses trotters behind back and drools).

-- Sorry Slugger I didn't mean to tap you so hard...here's a lettuce leaf for you. (places lettuce leaf and Slugger back in vivarium). There there ! (makes cooing noises)...stroke! stroke! (strokes Slugger)

--Humpf ! u iz b-ing silly wiv that thing. Iz only a slug.

-- Slugger is very sensitive 😥 oinks Pinky so she quickly covers Sluggers 'ears' with trotters.

--Seems Slugger az BIG ears! scowls Moony ^>@<^ (like that)

Moonpig returns to water and care for his monster tomato gently loving and caressing it. 

Grow big & bigger 4 me dear tomato 😍

Time passes tick tock tick tock... 😊 and now comes the day of Mootown Village Fête which is run every year by a certain family of pigs. 'Keep It In The Family' is there erm...family motto 😐😉

--Well time 2 show u orf 2 the world...grins Moonpig, as he gently twists and lifts the Enormous Gigantic Tomato...making sure to be careful to wrap it with bubble wrap. That done, places it in a wheelbarrow and takes his time to travel to Mootown, avoiding uneven paths and bumps and Such...yes, Such is the name of a pig with his friend Star-ski 😕 They are transporting a Monster cauliflower and a smaller than life tomato 😖

--Hi Such and Star-ski...like ur Kauliflour (snigger) shame 'bout ur tomato...(more snorty sniggers).

Such and Star-ski are not put off but stop to eat their tomato anyway, so now have just a cauliflower.

At Mootown...

--Just put your tomato there...oinks Organiser..Wow, such a big one !!! (and whispers to Moony...bound to win)

Will eet b safe ? Wont fall orf will eet ?

--Yup, grew eet all meself (smug look)...sure eet will b safe ? Plonk! (noise of tomato plonking on show table).

-- Of course, of course, Someone will be here all the time...oinks Organiser.

Now Someone and Organiser were brothers from the same piggin' litter 😀 and with that Moonpig is reassured and wonders around the Fête watching Morris and his piggin' friends doing a dance with bells on their trotters and rings through their snouts and waving trotterchiefs (much like handkerchiefs) in the air, then hitting each other with

Hmm ! nice dancing Morris 😀 oink oink!

sticks. Unfortunately, regrettably, woefully, or all three...maybe, Morris and his piggin' friends seem to be belting the living daylights out of each other. Policepigstables turn up and cart 'em away.

--Well that takes the bis-kit...grunts Moony to himself.

--What biscuit ? pipes up Pinky, who had seen Moonpig and had wondered over...Have you brought me biscuits ? (hopeful look).

--Nahhhh! juz a figure of speech. U brought Slugger wiv u ?

--Yup, just left him with Totherorganiser brother of Organiser and Someone 😀

--Glad 2 here that 😃

Moonpig and Pinky stroll around the Fête trying their luck on Hook A Duck...no luck there as a number written under the duck fails to match up with a prize on the shelf, in fact not sure if a little cheating was going on here ! 😒

.....Next they try Hoopla.

--Roll up roll up...shouts pig with name of Con...throw 3 hoops to ring any one of those > (points) and win it as a prize  😏

The hoop is only just the right size, so that it ONLY just encircles a wooden square block with a prize when thrown at the right angle so making it hard to encircle the flaming prize Moonpig calculates ^>@<^ 

This iz a rite swizz ! 😟

--Humpf ! ...grunts Moony as hoops fail to completely encircle anything he throws it at. On his last throw, Moony completely misses the target. The hoop is now dangling from Con's snout 😁 ....Swizz! 😟 What a swizz! That is sooooooo disappointing...what a swindle...moans Moonpig scowling ^>@<^ (like that)...Think that >...(points to next stall) iz juz me though...Yup, that cud b me 40 (When translated = forte...a thing at which someone excels) will giv eet a go :) Moony walks up to ......2 b cont.

Mootown Village Fête ... part 3 of 6

Part 3 of 6

--Whats all this excited grunting and squealing about ? exclaims Pinky sticking her head through the door of Moony's Big Clotch  😉 where he was dancing about and watering his tomato plant with Gusto...well thats what it said on the tin, sack or box...or all three...maybe 😊

--Oh, hi Pinky, snorty grunted Moony...side stepping in front of the tomato plant and Gusto.

Oh, erm...Hi Pinky 😀

--What's that you trying to hide ? ...points to side of Moonpigs backside with trotters... > (like that)

--Oh, erm, what ? erm, that > err  ? well erm, sayyyy, howz Slugger coming along wiv all his tricks ? Distracting Pinky was, Oh-so-easy 😏

--Well he's doing quite well...doing his tricks like...like clockwork 😐 even taught him how to ride a giant caterpillar 😏

And with that, Moonpig urges, well shoves Pinky out of the clotch and closes the door with his back trotter. 

Over at the club house Pinky is eager, keen or energetically...maybe all three...removing Slugger from the vivarium...(Moonpig drools ! Wonder why  😋 ) Plunk! Pinky puts Slugger on to the coffee table in the club house. Perhaps you would like a description here to fire your imagination a little ? Well you get no option as here we go...

On arriving, a crude wooden notice has been hammered and is dangling on the outside of the club house. The meaning of crude according to Google is...'in a natural or raw state; not yet processed or refined'. The notice has a roughly carved out...scrawl, 😀 that reads...Green Planet Farm Club [Zork].

Hmm, wonder if any 1 az left me a message ?

Description of inside club house...there is a one meter purple carpet running up to two thrones...one has a purple cushion on it (Moonpig's) the other is a rainbow coloured cushion (Pinky's ).

An oval coffee table encircled with stools with cushions on, one for each member of the club is off center of the room. A wooden fruit bowl, made by Moonpig, is in the middle of the coffee table. On one wall is a round clock...so as to tell the time. In a corner is a slightly wonky bookcase, made by Moonpig...we are invited to put any books of our own there (but must say the title of the book). We have a vivarium with a pet slug named Slugger in and a snail that goes by the name Sammy (very original...not) has been placed on top of the bookcase. The 'pets' belong to Pinky of course. Also back on the coffee table is a tin with a slit on the top belonging to Pinky. Here you can put any accidentally dropped letters or exchange them for correct one's. That's if you made any spelling mistakes when leaving messages to each other on the club board, ( also known as, 'Newsticker ' ) and results in the letter or number falling on the floor or mis-spelling occurs  😐

Also there is a silver microwave, and a drinks machine that gives out the drink of your choice but not alcohol. A hoola-hoop lies in one corner forgotten more often than not 😓 😩( Moonpig's ). Oh and a fridge full of Moony's lager.

All Mine !!! well the lager iz 😁

No one dare touch it!! On the wall is a wooden perch in the shape of a Perch Fish...for the feathered member (BigBrownBird) to...perch on...A Sticky Postnote on drinks machine reads like this...'plz put correct money in the drink's machine...NO KICKING the machine!'

As Pinky shows off her slugs performance she gives it a slight tap when it doesn't do what it's supposed to do. It whizzes quickly through the air with a whistling or buzzing sound landing on Moonys...erm snout 😃

--Danger ! Danger! The expression on Sluggers eyes seem to say 😱  .... 2 b continued

Mootown Village Fête ... part 2 of 6

Part 2 of 6

fink sum 1 iz looking over me shoulder 👀

Back on Moonpig's farm, Moony takes off a book from his personal library shelf or bookcase if you like 😊 ..plonks down in a comfy chair, PLONK! (noise of chair..plonking at Moony's descent) and trotters through the book (as pigs dont have thumbs). His Papa had given Moony the book for one of his unbirthdays 😆 and just so happens his Papa had thrown the book into the UFO that Moony also had got thrown into...(read story entitled 'In the Beginning' written in 2012).

Me finks a little bit of this & a little bit of that .

--These diagrams & equations look all very interesting...tap tap! (taps page with trotters)...puts on specs ~O-O~ < them am specs 😤 > Moonpig grunts turning over the pages but now the writing looks too LARGE and BOLD so takes off specs...Grief! still looks big bold rite-ing so i'll juz squint >@< ah! much better 😉 & az i con speed read i con read 3 pages at a time ! ...Thunk! (noise of book closing suddenly). I'll juz go & put sum of wot i learned in 2 praktis :)...and off he trots :)

So in a little backroom, of Moonpig's farmhouse, (a place where secret, administrative, or supporting work is done)...he sets to work. This backroom Moony had made into a laboratory when he was working out a formula to turn porridge brought back from 'Planet 4saken' into fuel for Planet Zork's UFO's (another story first aired in 2012)...Ah! There is Moonpig...and what is he up to now ?

--This time i az 2 conkoct somat 2 make the veggies grow e-n-o-r-m-o-u-s  &  f-a-s-t  coz i don't av time 2 wait!!! Think i'll try eet out on me tomatoes...juz az 2 mix this..with that...& a little amount of t'other...Holds up test tube & shakes it...BOOM !!! Hmm ! 2 much thinks i...not realizing he had spoken out loud...when......

Is that you...Moony ? 😟

--Too much of what ? enquires Pinky friend, looking a bit distressed at the sight of soot covering much of Moonys face.

--Who let u in ? Get out...u not allowed in ear, (not right Earth Word but who cares ?) I'm bee-zee !!

Pinky looks rather hurt, her chin begins to wobble...a sure sign that she will burst into tears.

--Erm...err...oinks Moony...i meanz go & make u a cup of T & erm...u will find ur favorit biskits in a tin in the pantry... juz 'elp urself 😀

Since Moonpig has been on Earth for quite a while, he has learnt that drinking tea can solve a lot of problems for Earth Pigs, or at least stop them from blubbering & bursting into tears.

--Wow, thanks Moony...and off she goes all signs of chin wobbling ceased.

--Now, where woz i...scratches butt...umm...r yes, must of put 2 much of this, that or t'other in...will try agen :) ... B O O M !!! Oh well, back 2 the drawing bored (< wrong spelling) so 2 oink 😅 😐

don't try this at home children 😊😀

When...after a few more tries...EUREKA! or BAZENGA! grunts Moony, ( BAZENGA...Oh deary me.... I would love to explain this word but I cannot find my color-pens)  i az com up wiv the x-akt formula...now 2 make a load 4 me tomato plant...time passes...tick tock tick tock...now 2 try eet out on me tomato plant & off he trots!...time passes...tick tock tick tock...infact time seems to pass by a lot :) ... 2 b continued

Mootown Village Fête ... part 1 of 6

Part 1 of 6

Eye catching posters were up in Mootown advertising...The Annual Fête of course ! A variety of activities were included such as tombola's, raffles, coconut shies, white elephant stalls or another name would be bric a brac (a chance to get rid of all those unwanted items bought from off eBay !!!).
Cakes, and home produce such as jams and pickles were a favorite with the females as was flower arranging. A large tent for flower displays and perishable goods, would be provided by the local council this year...but the most desired prize would be for...the one who could grow the biggest fruit or veggie...Monster Fruit or Veggies.
Moonpig stared hard at the newly erected poster. Reference to the beer tent had caught his eye and it piggin' well hurt !!!

It says here......

--Ouch! grunted Moony, that really hurt !!!
Deep in thought he never heard Pinky trot up to his side and with wonder, (whoever Wonder was :) ) studied the poster loosing off...an audible sigh.
--Sigh! sighed Pinky 
--Oh, it's u. U made me jump, oinked Moony scowling, y u az 2 creep up on any 1 i do not know ???
--Have they got a Best Pet section ? inquired Pinky wrinkling her snout...wondering who Anyone was as looking around didn't see who would match up to the description. Who could it be ?
--Most unusual 1 there > said Moonpig tapping with a trotter and pointing to a word or two on the poster...unusual pet, that iz. U got ur mind on any of ur pets ?
Now Pinky kept a slug named Slugger and a snail named Sammy in a vivarium in Moony's club house. Wasn't that kind of him ? Being fed regular made Slugger in particular grow big and fat and JUICY :)

Let's practice your tricks Slugger !

--My pet slug can do tricks, he can rear up, bow, play dead and pretend to be a moustache...boasted Pinky. 
Moony remembers how one day while he was taking a nap in the club house, Slugger, Pinky's pet slug, slithered out of his vivarium and climbed on to his (Moony's) face and settled under his snout...looking very much like a strip of hair left to grow above the upper lip, or as one would say...a moustache! It was all Moony could do to resist opening his mouth and swallowing it...(the slug) Just a bit bigger he would oink to hisself :) 
--Well that should be erm...err...interesting (not) az 4 me...i think i shall try 4 giant veggies or fruit of some description :) said Moony making as ENORMOUS stretching out of...erm...arms and trotters to indicate the size.

ENORMOUS !!!

--I'm going to get Slugger into training. (smirk look on Pinky's face)

And with that, off trotted Pinky to erm...get slug into training ?...2 b continued