Know Your Enemy ... part 3 of 3

Part 3 of 3
"Time for a bit of spring cleaning." oinks Moonpig 'singing' and humming making a noise without opening his snouty mouth. "Remember a tidy garden iz a slug free garden" says Moony to himself as no one else is about.
Other ways to get rid of slugs and snails from your plot is.......[Time Passes] Ah! we turn to see Moonpig coming out of his farmhouse carrying a shallow bowl or lid that's come off something or other, a can of Budweiser and a salt cellar.

Carrying welcome drink and salt out.

Wonder what he's going to do with them ?...when...
"What are you going to do with those." Pinky squeaked.
"Humpff! U agen," Moony rolls his eyes upwards, "Well...erm...errr....(got 2 do a quick piece of finking ear thought Moonpig to himself !) "Erm just gona put a welcome drink out 4 our little friends az salt will erm...err...make 'em firsty." smirked Moonpig ;)
"Oh, that's so kind of you. See it's not to hard to like our wild life, I knew you would reconsider as hanging slugs out to dry is just not on."oinked Pinky now smiling...really SMILING ! "But salt KILLS slugs Moony." Pinky starts to worry.
"O iz just 2...2...erm...2 leave at the side of path ear in case they want 2...2...2 put sum on the potatoes b-4 they eat 'em."

One of the Jersey Royal potatoes :D

Pinky looks high and low but cannot see any potatoes...knowing this Moonpig oinks up "I'll put a few Jersey Royal Potatoes out 4 'em L8r."
This pacifies, calms or soothes Pinky...maybe all three !
After digging out a shallow patch placed strategically in a area of high activity...considering slime trails...places the shallow bowl or lid... Moony invites Pinky to open the Budweiser can and pour it into the receptacle. Hey that's a big word to use but all it means is...hollow object used to contain something :)

Dig dig dig dig digging !

Shpuft!(noise of ring can being pulled) bloob bloob bloob bloob! (noise of Budweiser being poured into the receptacle).
"What now ?" enquires Pinky.
"Well we wait overnight az that's when...when...erm...slugs cum 2 drink...az they like eet a bit on the stale side." Moonpig  smiles widely, which is quite infectious in an idiomatic way :D...Pinky smiles too...widely, told you!!!!
"Slugs also like 2...swim in eet...(adds underbreath so as pinky friend will not hear "Once in they'll drown and az iz messy, add eet 2 ur compost heap.") Moony sniggers.
Pinky follows her green friend to his kitchen where he starts to make Extract of Yucca.
"That seems interesting Moony what are you making ?" oinks Pinky.
"Iz extract of yucca and iz repugnant 2 slugs so if they doe like the Budweiser....(witters on a bit)...sew we stick 1 leaf of yucca in2 a food processor, process so,(switches on)...whirl whirl whirl! (noise of processor) then mix wiv water, Slosh splash slush! (noise of...do i really have to tell you ?)...then fill up ur spray gun and blast ur plants!" grunts Moony..."If all else fails fill ur garden wiv plants that slugs dislike."
Pinky turns in disgust to go home.
"Woz the matter ? " 
"Not sure but i don't think you're telling the whole truth." Witters Pinky.
"oooOOOooo." exclaims Moonpig."tiss the truth i like slugs (drools) :) 

No slugs and snails here !!

Time passes....

So after getting rid of slugs, snails and other nasties except for....caterpillars. Better watch out Moonpig !!!

Know Your Enemy ... part 2 of 3

Part 2 of 3

Moonpig got out a notepad and a pencil (so he can rub out mistakes in spelling ;) ) He starts to scribble away making...notes. Title at top of note pad reads...ENEMY

PROFILE. Underneath he writes...SLUG: 0-6 inches long (0-15cm). Keeping in a neat descending line he continues to write, SPEED: 0.007mph (0.0113 kmph). REPRODUCTION: over 100 eggs per year. LIFESPAN: 2-7 years. HABITAT: Dark, moist shelters wiv a constant supply of tasty plants. HABITS: Destroying plants, leaving slime trails and eating worms, and worse, dead slugs. WEAPONS: Ability 2 camouflage and attack under darkness, an unsatiable appetite az can eat eet's own body weight in a day and az 27,000 teeth. LIKES:Beer, grapefruit rind and cabbage. DISLIKES: Salt. ENEMIES:Birds, frogs and badgers. PREY:Succulent green leaves (particularly delphiniums and hostas but not fussy) and av a penchant, fondness, or passion (all 3 if u like) 4 skins of citrus fruit where they gather 2gether underneath them so u can collect them all up and dispose of them az u c fit.
"But snails are really interesting!" protests Pinky looking glum."They are hermaphrodites and some can even live up to 25 years Moony...and they must find a snail partner to mate with."
"Not on my patch they can't." Grunted Moony "Any roads, me meself am partial 2 a slug or 2" Drools at thought!!!
"But you can't eat my pets! They belong to me and...and...[Pinky sniffs and her chin begins to wobble a sure sign that tears will follow].
"Just keep them in their vivarian and there will b no problem."sighs Moonpig...then drools!
Pinky follows Moonpig outside. He has something in his trotter which Pinky can't quite make out ? It seems like leftovers from his breakfast drink. So....
"What's that you got Moony and what you doing with it ?"

Slug holiday camp ?

"Iz a grapefruit skin Pinky. I ad eet for breakfast and cut the peel in half C ? Now i'll make sum small holes in 'em and make 'em look like play houses for gastropods." Moony places the two halves on the soil nearby to where some juicy lettuce leaves are attempting, aiming, endeavouring...maybe all three' to grow :)
"That looks very inviting Moony" and Pinky claps her trotters in delight!
"Yeah, and in the next 2 days we go and turn the peels over where the slugs av huddled 2gether enjoying the erm...juice woz left in 'em then we collect up the slugs...and dispose of 'em and we con either make a slug smoothie or hang 'em ot 2 dry by pegging 'em on the washing line we use 4 drying curtains or cushions...definitely, unmistakably or undeniably, all 3 maybe az no clothes are worn by uz pigs, says so in rule number 3 in me Animal Farm rule book !!!
"Then what ?" Pinky trembled!!!

Hang 'em high 

"Then we watch az they wriggle and sway gently in the warm breeze and dry out and die in the sun...then eat 'em" grunts Moonpig.
"That's cruel." blubbered Pinky snivelling and wiping her snout with her trotter.
"Look...u eats plums, yeah ? Well u eats dried plums and call 'em prunes...same fing ain't eet ! Sow, woz ur problem ???"

....2 b cont.

Know Your Enemy ... Part 1 of 3

Part 1

After a long hard winter, there's nothing like seeing your farmland, (that's land typically devoted to agriculture with good soil) full of organic material from the manure off your livestock to produce food in abundance to sell to the farmies that buy from our farms on Myfreefarm. Of course the garden set aside for...smaller crops of radish, lettuce, spring onions and what-not is also important so don't worry if you have just a small garden or a few acres or more.....

Moonpig taps away at his laptop and reads up on...farming.

"Hmm, says ear that the work of the American Farmland Trust points 2 several reasons y 'aving a high quantity of rich biological components and by 'aving a balance of sand, clay, dirt and rock that provides a stable well-drained environment 4 plants, works well." Moonpig further oinks, "They (the American Farmland Trust) not only work 2 preserve farmland but, 2 promote community and small family farms, protect local food systems, promote sound stewardship, and preserve water and soil quality." A few more taps of the laptop and...Moonpig logs off.

"Humpf! The job of supervising and taking care of sum-fing i con do meself fanks very much. And...i'll keep me pd, (Pd = Potato  Dollar =  money used on Myfreefarm) 2 use az i c fit!!!" Grunts Moony frowing  like that  ^>@<^ . His membership of the American Farmland Trust seems to of run out and special offers and promotions will no longer be sent to him. Moonpig examines his little garden plot where he grows what he reckons is the best for himself and his kitchen. Newly formed shoots of untouched {so far}, unwilted, and firm, maybe all three :) AND veggies are starting to appear everywhere, but the moist soil are heaven for slugs!!! So better keep that in mind Moonpig!

Moonpig switches on the TV as a gardening program is about to start and he might...just might, pick up a few tips.....

''Has your delphinium been devoured ? Has you lettuce lost it's leaves ? Is your vegetable patch a slimy slug banquet ? And are you sick of losing the battle ? Fear not, help is at hand (or trotter in Moony's case) with 50 ways to stop even the cleverest of gastropods in it's tracks! (The gastropods, more commonly known as snails and slugs, and a lot more)'', belted out the television...'Blah de blah de blah!' went out the advice from the everyday farmie gardener on the TV. (Farmies are the little people who come direct to our farms...but only pay a pittance so, best to fill out a contract to fellow pig or sell directly in the market) followed by "so if all else fails...go out into your garden with a heavy book. Locate a slug (or snail) remove it from among your plants, placing the book unopened on top of the slug and squelch down with your foot (trotter in Moonpig's case). Then flick off the dead remains. Finally, wipe down your book!"

"Wot a load of rubbish."oinked Moonpig switching the telly off.

"What's a load of rubbish ?"piped up Pinky.

Moonpig turned round to face his best pal Pinky...

"Oh, just woz watching somat on telly on how 2 get rid of gastropods outa ur veggie patch." grunted Moonpig.

Now, Pinky has two pets in Moonpig's clubhouse in a tank. One is Slugger...a slug...another is Sammy...a snail.

"Oh but they are so CUTE." smiled Pinky.

"Yeah well u ad better make sure ur pets don't escape." oinks Moonpig casting a glancing eye at Pinky. 

Pinky caught it and threw it back :) ....2 b continued

X Marks The Spot ... Part 4 of 4

Part 4 of 4

"Look down there, (points down) a small island with just three trees on and what looks like an X as well." squeaky squeals Pinky.

Sharpes eyes !!

"Hmmm ! U az sharp eyes Pinky friend better watch out u dow cut urself." Smirks Moony. 
Moonpig expertly lands the helicopter Chucka Chucka chuckchuck! Rotor blades slows down, stops and Moony turns off engine. Trotting over to the 'X' Moonpig trotters over a shovel to Pinky ( pigs don't have hands as such ! ) 
"What's this you have given me Moony ?" Examines shovel really knowing what Moony is indicating !!!
"Well iz a shovel aint eet," Thunk thunk! (taps shovel with trotter) " and iz a fitting tool 4 digging, lifting, and moving bulk materials, such az soil, coal, gravel, snow, sand, or ore....sooo show me ur best digging motion me little pinky friend." 
Pinky deliberately uses shovel in a 'hopeless' way...she knows how Moonpig works !!!
"O gizz eet ear, (wrong earth spelling but who cares) not like that...like THIS " !! And of course it has the desired effect Pinky had in mind.

X marks the spot ?

Moonpig collapses on the floor and Pinky helps him up.
"Fanks not az fit az i fort i woz." Moonpig wipes the sweat off his face. "Ear, u av a turn u saw how ee-zee i did eet. (lies thru teeth) "Moony shoves the shovel at Pinky...who grudgingly, in a reluctant or resentful manner starts (maybe all three) to dig.
30 minutes later......Clunk ! Pinky hits something with the shovel (no not Moonpig he's not made of metal...then again).
"Ear let me c".
Pinky steps back reluctantly, in an unwilling and hesitant way...(here we go again) maybe all three !
"OOOoooo" exclaims Moony !!!
"What is it, what is it !" squeaky squeals Pinky, clapping trotters and jumping up and down.
 Pinky holds up a...rusty box...complete with a gaping hole!!!

Its a rusty box with a hole, oinks Pinky 

"Tut", oinks Moony "Fink sum 1 got ear b-4 uz
Returning 'home' with empty trotters and sullen faces.....
"Well woz a load of junk probably anyway."oinks Moonpig 
"Right, never mind" Pinky shakes her head, "something else might come to light as you plow next time I think you was very unfortunate." commiserated Pinky "I'm off home now. Bye"
"K, fanks for ur sympathy, pity or solace but i don't fink i'll be doing much plowing," oinks a despondent green pig, in low spirits from loss of hope, courage or a wretched feeling.

mite find somat else, oinks Moonpig :)

Later......Splugggg! Spluggg! gggg ggg gggg...tractor springs into life, smoke billowing out behind...could that be Moonpig plowing??? .... end

X Marks The Spot ... part 3 of 4

Part 3 of 4

"Giz eet ear" grunts Moony grabbing it out of Pinky friends trotters. Pinky thinks with a friend like him, who needs enemies...but as Moony comes from some where far far away (think we might of heard that phrase before ?) Pinky takes it all in her stride...(well there doesn't seem much else she can do !)
"What is it, what is it !" squeals a...shall we say an excited Pinky ? Yes let's :)  We may as well go along with the story.
"Iz a...map" exclaims Moonpig uncurling the tarnished paper or straightening it from a curled position...if you like :)
"Me see, me see. " Squeals a...shall we say an ever excited Pinky again ? Why not !
Moonpig points with his trotters to Paper Map and exclaims, "Says it seems 2 suggest that...X marks the spot."

Lots of treasure ... maybe ?

Pinky manages to take a look at the map..."Seems where ever it is, it's a long way away on an island with three trees."
"So thaz where the treasure will b."Moonpig dreams about all the treasure that may (or may not) be buried there.
Moonpig consults his laptop...sort of...types in...'island with three trees and an X' (see if Google can make head or tails of that!)...and what do you know !!! comes up with a location :)
"Knew Google wudn't let me down." Pats laptop lovingly."Now 2 order a vehicle that con take me there.

The right description!!!!

Pinky jumps up and down excited like oinking "Can I come, can I come ? " 
Looking at her little face how could Moony refuse ? Quite easily as it happens ! But his little brain cells stirs inside his skull..and after 5 seconds grunts" Yup of corz, didn't fink I'd leave u outa this did u ? " Crosses trotters behind back !!!
A short drive to Mootown airfield in Pearl and....
"Come on Pinky, stop closing ur eyes...u'll miss all the erm...fun ?
Pinky stops shaking and half falls and half steps out of the car. Well Moonpig does drive rather like a...like a pig with a demon inside him.
"Cum on Pinky" Moonpig grabs Pinky's trotter and runs over to an awaiting helicopter and jumps in pulling Pinky with him.
"Do you know that you are in the cockpit ? " oinks Pinky.
"Y...u want 2 fly eet ? " Snorts Moonpig glancing briefly at instructions on how to fly an helicopter. "Lez c...down ear is the collective control stick that controls the speed and power of the rotors and (twiddles it) lifts eet orf the ground...2 pedals on the floor to rotate the helicopter 360% or whatever...and makes the tail rudder tilt....cycling control stick 4 main rotor tilt and power...a center console panel in front (mutters and switches helicopter on) sszzszszsz (noise of switch on) Chucka Chucka Chucka (noise of helicopter blades spinning) and UP we go...simplz  :)

Like flying me UFO....almost :)

"Oh, you are so clever Moony" oinks Pinky through gritted teeth, holding on to anything stable. (no horse ;) )
"Nuffin 2 eet...like flying me UFO...almost"
"Well why didn't we go in your UFO ?" shouted Pinky friend over noise of rotating blades.

"Erm...err...well i az the fingy-ma-jig in pieces at the mo sooooo...(mumbles)........2 b cont.

X Marks The Spot ... Part 2 of 4

Part 2 of 4

"Hi Pinky me little pink friend," grunts Moonpig barging into Pinky's farmhouse (first time he has visited Pinky's farmhouse...EVER ! ) plonks the box down...PLONK !...onto a pink table in a pink kitchen with pink stools and a even pinker floor, "Wow nice erm...err...color kitchen & all such other stuff."

Sort of Zebra thingy in Zork zoo !

Pinky wrinkles her snout not knowing if Moony was paying a compliment or not as you can never tell with these foreigners. Moonpig comes from a Galaxy far, far away in another world, on another Planet...Planet Zork to be precise which is inhabited mainly by Green pigs and a few other animals they keep as pets or in the local Zoo...in fact Zork is known by a few Aliens on nearby other planets as "The Green Planet" !!! 

"What you want ?" oinks Pinky getting straight to the point, "I was just about to make some fairy cakes".

"Oh fanks...make a dozen or...12 will do :) " Moonpig grins :D "Erm az u got any keys that will open this box ?" Points to box with trotters.

"Sorry I just sent them all to charity to help the poorer countries get a bore hole for clean water." Smirks Pinky feeling good about herself.

"O"

"But I have this knife...we could force the lid open...had you thought of doing that ?" Pinky fetches the knife, but Moonpig snatches it off Pinky...SNATCH ! 

I Have a Knife.....

Moonpig tuts and oinks, "U shudn't use knifes wiv-out a grown up super-vize-ing u...u cud cut urself...and yes I had fort of it (lies through teeth) but i didn't wont 2 spoil the box" :) 

Squeaky Scratchy sounds now...emanates, or comes forth or springs out if you like...from the efforts of...picture this...Moonpig is sticking his tongue out hard in concentration, box in one trotter, knife in the other furiously stabbing at and digging the knife into the underneath of the box lid and trying to prise it open.

"Be careful Moony"  squeals Pinky to Moony who is now BASHING the box with the knife!!!

"@!*~#" grunts Moonpig (we leave you to translate). The box won't shift...Won't open it's secrets to Moony. Disgustedly he throws the bent knife...(Pinky ducks)...onto the floor followed in quick succession by the box and scowls ^>@<^ < like that !

"Oh look Moony...the box has opened !" squeals a delighted Pinky, picking up the box.....2 b continued

X Marks The Spot ... Part 1 of 4

Part 1 of 4

"Hmm! I az soooo many seeds 2 plant and not enuf room so eet seems"...(surveys or studies the land & scratches Butt). Moonpig picks up a trotter-full of soil, examines it and sniffs it with his 2 good eyes & very delicate snout...

"Ahhhh! the earth smells good...this iz a fertile land & i will rule over all the land ear (wrong earth spelling of 'here' but may improve after going to night school...don't count on it !), & i will call it...'this land' or somat like that...erm, I noze," exclaims Moonpig..."I will get me tractor out the barn & plough another acre or 2 ... or 3... maybe." :)

So Moonpig opens the barn doors and after filling the tank with his 'special' fuel, (forage beet juice & a little of somat else) mounts his tractor, turns the key (yes he has a key to this mode of transport unlike his 3-wheeler called Pearl).

Splugggg! Spluggg! gggg ggg gggg...tractor springs into life, smoke billowing out.

This iz the life .....

Moony looks up to see the plume of...erm...smoke and oinks..."Must of made the mixture a bit strong !!!"

Not long after ploughing a few furrows...CLANG ! A metal box gets flung up into the air and hits Moonpig on the snout.

"Ouch", grunts a disgruntled pig or something similar but we can't print it here !!! "That piggin well hurt !!!" 

Moonpig examines the metal box, it has a hole for a key ! It's a bit rusty ! (well that figures !! ) Moonpig gives it a shake. A small muffled noise can be heard.

"Somat definitely in there," Brings box up to his right eye & then to his left eye...peers in keyhole as best as he can, ^o@<^... ^>@o^...like that :)

Moonpig runs to his farm house & searches through his selection of keys he keeps in a draw.

"Nope (tosses key, Clang!) nope (tosses key, Clang!), nope (tosses key, Clang!) not that 1 either." Goes through all of his keys...Tosses them ALL aside CLANG-CLATTER-CLANG !

Assortment of keys :)

(noise of keys hitting the floor)...Sighs ! Then he has a bright idea, "I'll go 2 Pinky's farmhouse & c if she az any spare keys...yup that's wot i'll do"...and off he trots......2 b continued